Last week, I said marriage has many seasons. I confessed that I have not experienced some of the seasons and I was not keen on discussing them. I ended the matter there, but some readers complained that the article ended abruptly. Your wish is my command, so I want to share some of the seasons I have experienced in marriage. I will also share the experiences of some my friends, who are older in marriage, told me. But let me hasten to say that the title of the article is a misnomer. Ordinarily, the title should be “Many Seasons of My Marriage.” Unlike the seasons of the year which are unchanging, marriage seasons vary among individuals. In Nigeria, the seasons are rainy and dry seasons. In Europe, they are spring, summer, autumn and winter. It is the same thing in America, but they call autumn fall.
In marriage, the seasons start immediately after you are declared husband and wife. It might start with thanksgiving in church, wedding reception or honeymoon. I did my wedding in Effurun, Delta State, where my wife comes from. There was thanksgiving and reception thereafter. Then we returned to Lagos to continue our married life. I have seen a couple who went to church in the morning and did their wedding. Thereafter, they left for work. There was no reception, thanksgiving in church or honeymoon. Married life started thereafter.
Another couple skipped honeymoon after their wedding because a quarrel started at the reception due to “my family was not well treated in the sharing of food, drinks and gift items” and the quarrel lingered. Which family, you may ask. From the moment you are declared husband and wife, a new family is born comprising husband and wife. So, plan properly to ensure that your siblings, parents and other family members are well catered for during your reception. After your wedding (marriage ceremony), they become the larger family or extended family. E get how e dey do me for body even after 26 years of marriage, but na so the matter just be. God said so, not me.
During honeymoon, some couples engage in sex as if it’s about to go out of existence. Marriage gives you the license to engage in intercourse without guilty conscience, especially for Christians and other adherents of religions that frown at premarital sex. Sex is a beautiful gift of marriage. It is yours to enjoy. But the same intercourse can lead to another season of marriage. Your wife wakes one morning with nausea, followed by vomiting, accumulation of saliva in her mouth and frequent spitting. The succulent and inviting lips you kissed effortlessly before pregnancy could become a struggle. Please give husbands who kiss lips with mouths that accumulate spit their flowers. I struggled and failed badly, I nor go lie.
The early days of pregnancy or pregnancy generally is easy for some women, but very traumatizing and destabilizing for others. It was not easy for my wife, especially the first pregnancy. She hardly ate and dried up. Unfortunately, I had to go to work and leave her alone at home. On my way home in the evening, if the outside light was not on I would be scared to death and rush into the house with anxiety. I won’t forget those anxious moments in a hurry.
Child birth is a relatively brief and gripping season. In the weeks before the expected delivery date, I was anxious and excited. We were playing a game of scrabble in the evening when my wife felt the first contraction. Then it continued. Lagos had a lot of security challenges in the late 90s, so we decided to head to the clinic to avoid being on the road at a late hour. When we got there, the doctor checked her and said she had a long way go before delivery. She was moved to the labour room as the night wore on. I wanted to follow her because that was our agreement, but one of the doctors said no. My wife insisted that I had to be present. I just look the doctor SMH.
Now let me advise young couples. If you are the jealous type, don’t follow your wife into the labour room, or register her in a clinic where the gynecologist is a male doctor, or a clinic where there are no matrons. This is because at some point when doctors insert their fingers into your wife, you might wonder if it’s dilation they are doing or fingering. I read somewhere about a doctor having an erection in the labour room when the woman was in labour pains with legs spread apart. The woman was in labour pains and the doctor was having an erection? It is this kind of contradiction that usually made my mother to ask that rhetorical question: “Mavo ison ru vwo t’etuegban (how did faeces get to the side burns)?”
Child birth is a bloody and tense affair. I witnessed two or three. If your wife delivers safe and sound, the dilation or fingering is forgotten. You are a father. That is what matters. I still lack the words to describe my feelings the first time I became a father. I left home with my wife and came back with an additional family member. Welcome to a new season. If the baby is the peaceful type who just wants to eat and sleep, the season can pass by like a ship at night: unnoticed. But is she is a cry-cry baby, be ready to do vigils. In those days when generators were luxury, a banker was forced to take a loan to buy a generator. There was blackout in his area for weeks. His baby coming out of the warmth of the womb could not adjust to the tropical heat. After three sleepless nights, he got a generator to power the fans and the crying stopped.
When should conjugal activities resume after childbirth? It might depend on the type birth your wife had. If it is via caesarian section or she had a vaginal tear during childbirth, the husband has to be patient until she heals fully. It can also depend on the mindset of the woman. As a little boy of four or five years, I remember the case of a woman who ran into the streets of Ughelli, Delta State, shouting repeatedly: “mi vwienubor!” (I just had a baby o!). I didn’t understand why the other women took sides with her and protected her, but as I grew older, I realised that the husband wanted to have sex with her and she was probably not physically or psychologically ready. A friend resumed conjugal activities with his wife less than two months after child birth. Then she started feeling sick about four months after childbirth. She went to the hospital and they ran tests. She was pregnant again! The two children are a year apart in age.
Raising children is not a season but a process that transcends many seasons, so we shall skip it. It will take a voluminous book to document the stages. I warned earlier and last week that the seasons are many. We cannot exhaust them. I have skipped some. Let me round up with some latter seasons. An older friend reached out to his wife as usual, but she flung his hand away. My friend, a Delta man, was not impressed. “Nor be this woman when I don dey fu*ck over 30 years now,” he asked himself. Welcome to menopause, a season when women stop menstruating or have irregular periods. It is characterized partly by erratic behaviour, mood swings and unprovoked aggression.
Another man wanted to perform his usual conjugal activities. His manhood refused to come alive. After over 40 years of active service, his penis told him without prior notice that “I have retired.” This couple were dogs in their younger days. They used to have sex in the bedroom, sitting room, kitchen, bathroom, hotel room and anywhere there was a semblance of privacy. Sex is over now, but the wife stayed put and they are still enjoying their marriage. They are not alone in this sans sex marriage situation. Illnesses such as diabetes, hypertension, heart conditions, arthritis and cancer amongst others have destroyed the sex life of many couples. In some cases, the spouses are more like caregivers, taking care of their sick spouses. Another destroyer of sex life is aging. It’s just natural. Some people escape these tribulations and enjoy healthy a sex life into their 80s, but when I see young people overhype sex as a prerequisite for a fulfilling and happy married life, I smile. Their knowledge is painfully limited by age and experience.